Camila Gonzales steps out of the church, lights a cigarette, and inhales deeply as she begins her walk to the bus stop. Although she's been going to church all of her life, lately she has begun to wonder if it really matters that she does.

It is not that she doesn't believe in God or Jesus anymore. What she is unsure about is whether faith in Jesus makes any difference to her life today and everyday here in the year 2002.

Camila Gonzales thinks as she walks and smokes. Childhood memories of her mother taking her to Mass every Sunday fill her thoughts. In her mind's eye, she sees the candles on the altar, watches the procession, and smells the thin cloud of incense. She is captivated by the service, the stained glass and the vestments. Even today, the music in church can transport her back to her mother's side, a child of three or four. But her mother doesn't take her to church anymore, she goes on her own now; she doesn't really know why, but it seems the right thing to do. She's beginning to wonder: does she go to church for her mother, or for herself?

Camila Gonzales thinks as she walks and smokes. She thinks about what the priest said in the sermon today. That it is not enough to simply say that Jesus is "the Lamb of God, but that we must follow him wherever he leads us, and that we must abide with him there, if we wish to continue as his followers today. "But what does it mean to be a follower of Jesus today?" she asks herself. "It seems so far removed from my actual life. What does Jesus really have to do with my life right now?"

Camila Gonzales waits for the traffic to clear before crossing the street, and while waiting she looks around and thinks of the city. The story of Jesus of Nazareth seems so removed, so distant from this modern world. She wonders, "How can anything that happened so long ago be that important today?"

Seeing the bus approaching, she takes one last drag on her cigarette, puts it out, and gets into the short line of people waiting to board. She feels that life is so difficult, sometimes so hard just to get by; "Is faith useless? Where is God, where is Jesus, when I really need him?" she silently asks herself.

The story of Camila Gonzales is not a unique story; it is, in fact, our own story, more or less. It is a story experienced by almost all human beings at one time or another in their lives. We all have experienced moments of doubt, fear, or insecurity about our lives or our faith, for various reasons. Sometimes we wonder about God's presence or absence in our lives, in our world. How or where can we see God? we wonder. It is a good question, because it means we're still interested in the answer.

The bus comes to a jarring stop, and Camila Gonzales comes back from her daydreaming. She looks at the bus route map, trying to remember her destination. "What are you looking for?" a voice says. But the question isn't directed to her; another rider is helping an elderly person find his stop. But the man's question stays with her, and seems oddly familiar, as if she had been asked that same question earlier in the day. Then she remembered where she heard it. In the Gospel, Jesus asked two disciples of John who were following him "What are you looking for?"

She remembers thinking when she heard it the first time, "What would I say if Jesus asked me, 'What are you looking for?'" It's such a direct and personal question that she blushes at the sound of it in her own inner dialogue. She blushes for all her doubts, and the thoughts she's been having lately, and in her imagination she feels very unworthy of Jesus' attention. But the image of Jesus comes forward again to her, "What are you looking for, Camila Gonzales?"

Of course, John's Gospel intentionally poses the question to all of us. It is an invitation to follow Jesus on a journey, to walk with Jesus in this life of ours, with him as our companion on the way. However, we cannot see him in his own skin, only in the skin of others. We can only see his face in the eyes of others. We can only touch him in the needs and hardships of others who need our care, our love, our service of ministry. Even those others who struggle with questions and doubts and anger about God can actually serve as an opportunity to see God at work, and to experience God working through us.

The image of Jesus comes forward in her mind again, "What are you looking for, Camila Gonzales?"

"I don't know what I am looking for, Jesus," she says to herself. "But I am looking for you to help me find it, to help me say it, to help me live it," she silently prays. "I am looking for you, Jesus; please keep looking for me."

And Jesus says to her, "Come and see."

To see Jesus, to experience Jesus, we must look for him at work in the world today, most notably in and through us, the body of Christ. We bring the peace of Christ to a world in desperate need of peace; peace in our hearts, peace in our minds, peace in our lives.

Christ promises a peace that the world cannot give or understand, a peace that reigns in the midst of chaos and confusion. Peace is one thing Camila Gonzales wants; peace is what is on offer to us in the life of Jesus. For Jesus comes to us in the word broken open by preaching and teaching, in the bread and wine blessed and shared. Jesus is present in the helping hand of a neighbor, in the hand helping a stranger. Peace is the treasure the Church has to offer a bankrupt and broken world.

Jesus asks us to share this peace, this love. Jesus asks us to tell this story of what we see, and hear, and touch here, in this place week after week. For it is in loving each other, and in receiving another's love, that we actually experience Jesus and his peace.

Camila Gonzales stares out the bus window. She knows that she will probably return to church next Sunday. She may even say her rosary once or twice this week. But deep inside, she wants to meet Jesus, to see Jesus, to experience Jesus in her life. She longs for the peace that Jesus can bring. She longs to know the joy and love of Jesus, in this life, in her daily existence.

In having these desires, Camila Gonzales is not alone. The question is, which one of us is going to be that peace and that joy and that love for her, in Jesus' name? And how soon shall we be Christ's presence for each other?

The Rev'd Timothy M. Dombek
ST. JAMES EPISCOPAL CHURCH
301 Piney Mountain Road
Greenville, SC 29609-3035
(864) 244-6358
stjamesrector@mindspring.com

Copyright © 2002 Timothy M. Dombek All Rights Reserved.